I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
