Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
