I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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