Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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