I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
