I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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