I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off