I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
