I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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