Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
there's paper in my vomit.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
