When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
