it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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