I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
