At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
