I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
