You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
