How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
