I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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