I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
