I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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