My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
