There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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