Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
