so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
