please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
