i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
