my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it glows. i had to have it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
