You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
