You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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