if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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