dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
