I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
