she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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