so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
