Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
