What a fucking waste of an outfit
I feel like abortions should bother me more
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
