I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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