look no pants
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
