why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
