Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
