I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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