The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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