uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
