My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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