This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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