I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She even gives head with a lisp.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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