I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
not ubering you a puppy
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
