i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
