Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
