why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
