I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
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