Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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