Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
