community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
