I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
my poor anus
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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