if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
